Bread
by Mayhem21
Summary: Transcript of a Red vs Blue All Things Simmons forum thread roleplay. Pure nonsense that's finally seeing the light of day.


**Editor's note: I was poking around my old RvB files and found this document from June 11, 2007. Once I realized what it was, I decided to go ahead and (finally) upload it to FFN. It's silly and nonsensical. I have zero memory of contributing to this but my name in the participant's list so apparently I did.**

**Enjoy.**

**Ptath, January 20, 2013**

**All Things Simmons role-play, starting post #25636. **

**Participants include: Michygeary, TrixR4Kids, Ptath, Takami, Churcheswife, Thalia013, Cunfuzzled, Jakato, Noirakita, k1L3rman**

**Edited for consistency and flow by Ptath**

_Grif is standing on top of the base, staring out at the canyon. Simmons suddenly walks up._

Simmons: Grif! What did I tell you about using my organic whole wheat bread with nuts to make your sandwiches! Do you have any idea how much that costs?

Grif: What? Donut ate all the white bread.

_Donut walks onto the top of the base while finishing off a PB & J Sandwich_

Donut: What'd I do?

Simmons: Ugh, never mind. Let's just figure out what we're gunna do today before Sarge gets back from Command.

Grif: (To Donut) Wait a second. That's only one sandwich. What did you do with the rest of the bread?

Donut: Caboose and I used it to feed the ducks!

Grif: Donut, this is an alien planet. **There aren't any ducks!**

Donut: Are you sure? Because **something** ate all the bread.

Simmons: Yeah, that was Church. He's really letting himself go. Now can we clean up for Sarge's return now?

Grif: Why do you even care? He never acknowledges any of the extensive cleaning you _always _do.

Simmons: I'm not thinking about acknowledgment, Grif. I'm thinking about basic sanitation. Besides, I don't like dirty things.

Grif: That much is obvious from how fast you want to change the sheets. I mean, come one, going through three sets in one night?

Simmons: (blushing) That's completely different. Now are you going to help me clean or what?

Donut: (gives Simmons and Grif a significant look) I'll help. With **anything**.

Grif: Simmons's doesn't need any more help with the dirty stuff, Donut.

Donut: Aw, man...

Simmons: Maybe later Donut. We really need to clean up the Base.

Grif: OR, we could go egg the Blue Base.

Donut: I vote for egging the Blues!

Simmons: What? We can't do that, we need to clean! And didn't you learn your lesson the last time we did that?

_Cut to a flashback scene ... Cue wobbly screen flashback effect_

Grif: (mockingly) Wecan't do that, we need to clean_._ (wanders out the door) Grab the eggs, Donut, we're rollin'.

Donut: Yeees sir!

_Still wobbly flashbackitude  
_  
(Grif and Donut finish chucking the eggs)

Grif: Man it sure is hot out here.

Donut: What's that smell? Are those eggs we just threw rotten?

Grif: (shrugs) If they are, it's certainly not our problem.

Tex: (while camouflaged, grabs the box of eggs and throws them into the Warthog)

Church: Ugh, what is that smell?

Tucker: (looking out window) The Reds are egging the base.

Church: Caboose, go get the tank.

Caboose: Sheila! Sheila! – Hey wait, _why_ am I getting Sheila?

Church: Where did Tex go?

Caboose (From outside the base): Church! Chuuuurch! – Hey wait,**why** am I getting Church?

Tex: (reappears and releases the safety on her rifle) Alright, you two. You have until the count of five to get your butts out of here.

Grif: Shit!

Donut: (already running away)

Grif: (looks where Donut should be and realizes he's been beaten at his own game again) Damn it! How the hell does he always get the jump on me like that? (looks back at Tex and decides to follow Donut's lead)

_End flashback, cut back to the Reds._

Donut: I still say it was fun.

Grif: Yeah, but you don't have battle scars.

Simmons: Yeah, Sarge was pretty mad about the eggs that ended up in the jeep.

Grif: They weren't smelling when I parked it! How was I supposed to know they were there?

Simmons: Well maybe the fact that they were broken and leaking all over the passenger seat that you were sitting in should have given it away.

Grif: Oh sure, hindsight's 20/20.

Donut: (after a moment of silence) Does this mean we're not going?

Simmons: No, Donut, we're **not** going to egg the Blues. We're going to stay here and clean the base from top to bottom before Sarge returns.

Donut: Well I guess that's a good thing. If we don't have eggs I don't know how I'll keep up my diet.

Simmons: You mean the Vowel only one?

Donut: No, that one was killing my figure. I've moved on to foods that end in S. It's great. I've already dropped a quarter pound!

Grif: Oh sweet, that means I can still have Oreos!

Simmons: That's up to Sarge to decide. He's the one who keeps saying that you need a new diet.

Grif: I have the body of a god.

Simmons: Yeah, Buddha.

Grif: Well, if I'm Buddha, then I'm set for the afterlife. How's your immortal soul doing, Simmons?

Donut: (watches Grif and Simmons argue. Suddenly, he turns when he hears a sound from outside the base) Uh, hey, guys? I think something's out there.

Tucker: (outside Red Base) Yeah, take that Reds!

Simmons, Donut, Grif: (Red Base getting shot at) Son of a bitch!

Grif: (Running inside): Oh shit ohshitohshitohshit.

Simmons: Donut! Start shooting at them!

Donut: Oh MAN! Cleaning the base would've helped my glutes!

Simmons: Donut! I don't care about your physique! Shoot the Blues!

Donut: You know what? I would just like a little support now and then. (Donut storms off leaving Simmons to fight the blues)

Caboose: Church, why are we attack the Reds?

Church: To get back at them for egging our base last week, Caboose. I already told you that!

Caboose: (Trying to control Sheila) Uh... No... Wait, go back. Why are there seven pedals when there are only four directions?

Tucker: Caboose! There's only 6!

Caboose: Nu-uh!

Sheila: I got a new pedal for better control when you guys were gone.

Church: Just as long as you know how to fire the cannon. You remember how Sheila explained it right?

Caboose: Church, you know I only hear what I want, and that only works when I remember how to use my ears.

Church: Yeah, well just shoot them.

Caboose: Them? But there's only one now.

Simmons: Aww, holy hell. Sarge is gonna be pissed when he gets back and finds out we let the Blues slip inside the perimeter.

Grif: (hiding on the ramp to the roof of the base) Well, then he'll have to be pissed at you because you're the reason we're inside bickering about cleaning, instead of out there defending the base.

Simmons: Yeah, like that would ever happen.

Caboose: Yes, but why are we shooting at the _Reds_? If they threw things at our base, shouldn't we throw things back at their base?

Church: Right, because last time we TP'd their base all they did was leave it up there until the rain washed it off. I can see how much they care.

Caboose: Exactly!

Church: (sighs) Why do I even let you talk?

Caboose: Because I always eat the duct tape.

Church: That was your cue to shut up, moron.

Caboose: It was? I thought it was ...

Church: Shut up!

Tucker: (yelling) Hey, why isn't Caboose shooting?

Grif: (still hiding on the ramp) Simmons! Get inside before you get shot!

Donut: Hey when Sarge gets here is he really going to help us? I never saw him actually shoot someone with his Shotgun.

Simmons: Shut Donut! I know Sarge he will help if were in danger.

_Simmons almost gets shot_

Simmons: Yeah I'm going back in.

_All the Reds are now huddled in the kitchen_

Grif: Well, this sucks. What do we do now?

Lopez's head: (sitting on a rock) Dios mio, todos estos seres humanos es lucha... (_My God, all these humans do is fight…)_

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Church: Caboose you can stop now; they've all retreated!

Caboose: I can't! Sheila's locked on to the base!

Church: Well, unlock it!

Caboose: I killed you last time I unlocked it!

_Red base continues to shake with shell impacts_

Simmons: Sarge is so going to kill us when he gets back and the base is a pile of rubble.

Grif: There won't be anybody left to kill if the base is rubble.

_Outside Red base._

Church: Well, I'm already dead now. What harm can it possibly do? Give it a shot.

Sheila: Auto-fire target discontinued. Searching for new targets ...

_Points barrel near Church and fires a round that nearly misses.  
_  
Church: Son of a bitch!

Caboose: Locking base again.

Sheila: Previous target reselected.

_Barrel points back at Red Base and continues firing._

_Back inside Red base._

Donut: We might come back as ghosts like Church and Tex. Could he kill us then?

_Outside Red base._

Tucker: Yeah don't unlock again.

_sniper rifle misses Tucker_

Tucker: What was that?

Wyoming: Sorry Private Tucker, I missed but not this time!

Sarge: (coming back from Command in a shuttle): Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif: Oh my God, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge: Roger that, Private. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command.

Simmons: Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge: Hello Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif: Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. See, we kinda egged their base, and now we have their dignity, the Warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge: (pauses for a moment) Am I talking to the right base?

Grif: We are going to die here!

Sarge: Why can't you boys behave when I'm gone? (sighs) Well, don't get your knickers all in a knot, dead man. I have the perfect solution to your little tank problem.

Grif: Simmons, Sarge says he has a way to take out the tank.

Simmons: If it includes using your body as a squishy shield to prevent any of us from getting shot, then I'm happy.

Grif: Sarcasm, that'll win the war.

Simmons: Who said I was being sarcastic?

_Bombs miss the tank and almost hit Grif.  
_  
Grif: **Son of a bitch!**

Tucker: Caboose I think you know what to do this time.

_Caboose fires Sheila's cannon at the shuttle_

Simmons: Sarge are you okay?

Sarge: Yeah, I parachuted.

Wyoming: Well this is turning out differently ... I'm still going to kill Tucker.

Tucker: What no...uh.

Sarge: (appears over the hilltop brandishing his shotgun) Alright, Blues, this is your one chance to surrender!

_The shuttle that Sarge was flying lands on Wyoming._

Tucker: Ha! Take That!

_Time rewinds._

Tucker: Wait no not again.

_Wyoming dodges the shuttle._

Tucker: This sucks.

Sarge: (appears over the hilltop brandishing his shotgun, unaware of the timeloop) Alright, Blues, give up or else!

Wyoming: Oh look who it is, it's Sarge.

_Wyoming kills Sarge._

Wyoming: Heh, that's what you get for barely using your shotgun.

Simmons: NO! I'll KILL YOU!

_Simmons kills Wyoming._

_Time repeats._

_Wyoming dodges shuttle._

Tucker: How many times is this going to happen?

_Tucker kills Wyoming._

Tucker: Loop already.

_Time Repeats._

_Wyoming tries to dodge the shuttle when Tucker throws him back in the way._

_Wyoming dies?  
_  
Tucker: Finally!

Sarge: Alright, Blues, this is your one chance to surrender!

Church: What are you talking about? We got a tank!

Sarge: So What! So do we!

Church: What? No you don't.

Simmons: (whispering over the com) Just keep on telling them we have a tank.

Sarge: We do have a Tank!

Tucker: Okay, where is it?

Sarge: Uhhhh...

Grif: Our tank is blowing up your base! Better hurry if you want to save it!

Caboose: I think we should go...I was baking muffins when we left.

Tucker: Wait you left an oven on when you left. Maybe we should check if the base isn't on fire.

Caboose: No...there's no need. If there was a fire, the wind would blow it out in no time. It's like God blowing out a candle on a birthday cake...

Tucker: ... I'm checking just in case.

Church: As you can see I don't hear any firing. So your making that tank story up.

Sarge: You know what I have to say to that.

Church: BUG REPORT!

Sarge: How did you know?

Church: I was in the video.


End file.
